Sunlight beamed through the crisp blue sky, it's rays caressed my face as I sat there staring at the sky and listened to the leaves rustle around me.

They were waiting for me but I couldn't leave.

It was so calm here. Peaceful. The large oak trees towered around me but they were no match for the wide open sky above. As the breeze gently stroked my hair, I felt comforted. I gazed at the trees in front of me, hoping to catch a glimpse of him.

I felt their eyes on me. I knew I should get up and walk away but I was afraid to. Walking away would forever change who I had come to be. Right there in that very moment I was sitting with my father. Just the two of us.

My Daddy.

He was resting in a powder blue box in front of me. I sat there frozen. Staring into the woods beyond that box. Inside my head I was pleading with God to please just give me one more moment with him. Praying for my dad to get up out of that damn box and tell me this was all a joke. Sure, I'd be pissed at him, but I'd still have a father.

The funeral director patiently waited for me. I knew once I got up and walked away, he would lower my Daddy into the ground, burying not only a man, but a daughter too.

Time doesn't stop when your heart is broken and I knew I had to force myself to head back to be with the rest of our family. I placed my hand upon the shiny box, over a spot where I felt his heart would be. Tears flowed freely as I whispered to him that he now knows my heart. He had spent so many years wondering if I really loved him, and now I wanted him to be at peace knowing that he could see into my wide open heart how my love overflowed for him.

Every muscle in my body fought me as I tried to move away. I wanted so badly to stay there in that moment with him. I knew the challenges that lay ahead and I didn't have the energy to face them.

"Goodbye, Daddy."

My heart ripped in pieces as I turned my back on that box with my father inside of it. I took one painful step after another and lost all my composure as I realized why it was so hard to leave him behind.

I was an orphan...again.


That One Mom said...

It looks good, Tam!

garciagirl82 said...

This was beautiful written and brought tears to my eyes.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us!

June said...

The blog loos really great!
I am glad you have started this blog finally. I know what it means to you.

Hugs and miss you Cheesecake.

gayle said...

Oh wow this was so sad and so very well written. I can feel your pain! Please tell us more..........how old were you.....orphaned again!

Anonymous said...

The blog looks amazing.

Im glad you finally got it started.

Oh, its so sad though.