Inward Inventory

I've taken a wee break as I had a rough month in March, and then I was able to travel to visit family this month. 

It seems that the death of anyone you know, whether a family member, a co-worker, a friend, even people you only knew in passing...death in and of itself makes you pause and think.   I've been doing a lot of thinking and inward inventory.  I want so much to better my life, be a better person, teach my children compassion and humility.  I want so much to be the mother that I always yearned for and put a smile on my boys' faces whenever they think of me.

Most of all, I want so badly to be sure that when the day comes that I let out my last breath, I want to have lived a full life.  I want to have a family who is proud of me, and sons that have their hearts filled with loving memories of me.  I want my life not to go unnoticed.  I want to have made a difference and be remembered as someone who touched hearts.

The deepest reason for my pause is because I know death will happen for me one day.   Knowing that I have no way of choosing how or when, is a sobering thought.  Especially when someone I once loved as a mother passes away at a young age.  Even more so when that person died in a way that she never wanted to, leaving behind a son and a daughter who are wrestling with so much sadness.  It makes me pray that I never lose grasp of my blessings.  I pray hard that even though depression and addiction run so strongly in my family, that I will not succumb to either of those afflictions.  It is scary as I am left wondering, how did she get there, and could that happen to me?

Right now the answer to the first question will always be a mystery, but the answer to the second is it could, but it won't.  I won't let it.  I am fortunate enough to have my eyes wide open to the issues in our family and I am not afraid to seek help when I feel down or talk about my problems.  I have been lucky enough to escape any form of addiction.  I think my time in foster care has helped me to adapt to hardships in life as an adult, perhaps a little easier than someone who hasn't been faced with such hardships.  I tend to keep my glass half full as I know being pessimistic will only bring me down, hard.  I am well aware of my blessings, no matter how hard things may become, and my blessings are what keep me going each day. 

I've had a lot of loss over the past 8 years and I've learned that I have to let myself draw inward to grieve, to grasp and to be grateful. 

On another note, I am hoping to get my tabs up and running.  If you haven't noticed, you can click the pillows in the header and be taken to each page.  I am working on those pages (and on getting them not to open in a new window...grrr) and I've uploaded some photos on my photography page.  Next I'll be working on my "About" page.  Small changes to make my blog a bit more user friendly, so please pardon the dust around here! 

I'm praying the phrase "April showers brings May flowers..." rings true because it's still cold and wet and dreary here in Wisconsin.  Hoping to finally get some sunshine in the coming days!


Sunday Koffron said...

"I think my time in foster care has helped me to adapt to hardships in life as an adult, perhaps a little easier than someone who hasn't been faced with such hardships."

i feel this is true for maself as well, one of those hidden blessings that life brings.

I am sorry you have had such a rough month. thinking of you tonight.

Deborah said...

Its sad and scary. I lost my Dad and my best friend and it's so sad I never talk about it.
I just count my blessings everyday and I try to tell my kids I love them daily.